How You Can Help: Information for Friends and Family

The length of treatment for childhood cancers can range from several months to several years. It is a very long process, and can be emotionally, physically and financially challenging. Family and friends sometimes just don’t know what to say or do for a family with a child receiving treatment. At the same time, parents of cancer kids often find it hard to talk frankly to family and friends. It’s an ordeal that is terribly difficult to understand unless you’ve walked in their shoes.

The following is a collection of suggestions on ways to help the family.* These have been pulled from cancer families nationwide. We have included this on our website in the hope that it will help provide direction to the friends and family who want so desperately to help their loved ones during this difficult time.

Thoughts on things to do for cancer families:

• Clean their house before they come home from the hospital.


• Mow their lawn/rake leaves


• Get them a gift certificate for video rentals – not only for
  Blockbuster, as you also might want to consider purchasing a
  membership for the family to Netflix. (www.netflix.com)


• Buy iTunes gift cards for the child undergoing chemotherapy.
  Perhaps even get them an iPod or mp3 player (maybe go in on it
  with other friends).


• Get puzzle books, reading books, and activity books for the
  child undergoing treatment.


• A night or day of babysitting for the siblings and/or for the
  child in treatment or both.


• Fill a bag with things you think the parent(s) might need
  while in-patient and drop it by the hospital. Just think to
  yourself, "If I couldn't be home for over a week, and stuck in
  one place with little sleep, what would I need/want?" And then
  throw it in the bag. Items that families have suggested include:
  note cards; postage stamps; nail care products; laundry
  detergent; current magazines; hand lotion (hospital soap really
  dries out your hands); quarters (for the hospital vending
  machines); bottled water and/or their favorite soda; socks (yes,
  socks – most parents are walking around the hospital room/floor
  in socks which get dirty/wet quickly. A fresh pair is always
  nice to have but not something they always think to bring);
  chewing gum/candy; flashlight (for when the child falls asleep
  in the room but the parent wants to stay up and/or needs to look
  for something and doesn’t want to turn on the bright, florescent
  light); book/reading light; gas cards; restaurant gift cards
  (include menus from nearby restaurants that deliver to the
  hospital); check with the hospital and see if you can buy a gift
  certificate to the hospital cafeteria.


• If it's possible to get there, go and sit with the parent in
  the hospital on those long days. Bring a favorite food or a new
  magazine, and bring lots of news and stories to make them feel
  less left out of normal life. Offer to stay with the child so
  Mom or Dad can get a shower and something to eat while you’re
  there.


• If the sick child is a teen, provide transportation for their
  friends so that they can go to the hospital. Staying in touch
  with friends and having their support is REALLY important at
  that age.


• Enlist people to send cards and silly, fun things to the child
  and any brothers or sisters. A little fun and excitement from
  the dollar store can go a long way toward alleviating pain and
  fear.


• Find out what the child likes (stickers, beanie baby toys,
  cool hats, pins, legos, etc.) and help get a collection started
  if he or she doesn't have one already. It will provide something
  fun to focus on and then people will know what to send or bring
  when they don't know what else to do. If the child already has a
  collection, find out what it is and let people know about it so
  they can add to it.


• Commit yourself to be the friend of one or all of the siblings
  of a sick child – someone the child can call on when he or she
  needs to talk or is feeling left out. Find time to give each of
  them attention, time, treats. Siblings are scared and they
  easily feel left out, especially when all the focus seems to be
  on their ill sibling. They need people to take them places and
  listen to them and make them feel important. Be that person!


• Find out if there are any special needs the family has, and
  try to coordinate a solution to their problem. Is there a child
  who is often home alone after school because one parent is at
  work and the other is at the hospital? Do they need help with
  transportation or a supply of meals on certain days when normal
  life is impossible because of clinic visits, diagnostic tests,
  etc.? Once you've identified an area of concern, work with the
  family to help them solve the problem.


• Don't ever decide on your own to sponsor a large project like
  a fund-raiser or major house repair, etc., without talking with
  the family first. As well-meaning as many of these efforts can
  be, they may not always be serving the family's most urgent
  needs. Any supportive undertaking needs to be done in a way that
  respects the family's wishes and honors their privacy.


• Be light-hearted and break the tension and stress of a
  hospital stay and/or treatment at home and show up (at the
  hospital or at home) with bubbles, silly string, joke books,
  Marx Brothers videos, rub-on tattoos, whatever. Life is scary
  enough right now without having all the grown-ups walk in with
  long faces. It'll help Mom and Dad, too. (Note from a cancer
  parent: One of our dearest friends showed up at the hospital
  with a roll of paper, painters tape – the kind that doesn't
  leave sticky marks – and a box of markers. She covered the walls
  with paper and each person who visited my son drew pictures for
  him, wrote jokes, left funny notes and signed their names. Of
  course, he wanted to draw, too! Distraction is the name of the
  game!)


• Paper products are great! Napkins, paper plates, plastic cups,
  silverware, etc. really helps. When the family is home between
  hospital visits, they can spend less time cleaning up after
  meals and more time focusing on their child(ren). When they go
  to the hospital, they can bring some of it along to use there.


• If the child is still in diapers, find out what brand/size the
  child uses and pick up a box or two for them. When a child is on
  harsh chemotherapy, they need to be changed much more often then
  they normally would. Families will easily go through three times
  the amount of diapers now than they did before their child got
  sick.

Messages from cancer families (What they want to say to you
but probably won't)

• “Don't take "no, we don't need any help" from a family as
  their final response – ask again. Don't say, "Well, call us if
  you need something" because we probably won't call. We are not
  used to needing help from others and do not know (1) that we
  need it and (2) how to say yes. If you really mean it when you
  say you want to help, please come up with your own ideas, such
  as "I'd like to mow your grass" or "I will babysit (the younger
  sibling(s) if any) this week-end" or "I will be snow-blowing
  your drive-way for the season" or "Let me stay with your son
  overnight at the hospital so you can get some rest at home" or
  “I will drive your other children to school/pick them up from
  school for the next few weeks to help you out.” And if you make
  such an offer and we refuse, we may be refusing because we
  really don't need help like that at the moment, but please,
  please call back in a week or two and try again.”


• “I think what most folks forget is that this is SUCH a LONG
  term family problem. Meals and help the first few weeks are
  nice....but we're dealing with stuff that will last one to
  several years. It's easy to fade out of the picture. Emotional
  support is CRUCIAL for the family – for the entire time our
  child is in treatment. Just make a point to call, once a week or
  every two weeks. Parents of cancer kids lose some of their
  former friends and get distanced from their relatives. Please
  just let us know you’re still thinking of us, praying for our
  child, sending good thoughts – and not just the first few weeks
  or months – but throughout the years that we may be enduring
  this.”


• “People just don't know what to say...so they don't call. It's
  a horrible feeling to feel like you have the plague or
  something. We need friends that just call for no reason! And you
  don’t have to say anything. Just call and say “I’ve been
  thinking about you.” That leaves it wide open for me to say “I’m
  so glad you called…let me tell you about…” or “This really isn’t
  a good time, but I’m so glad you called…” At least we know you
  called and you care. And that means more than anything.”


• “Please don't say: ‘I don't know how you handle it, I just
  couldn't do it’ because we don’t have a choice in this. What are
  we supposed to do? Shrivel up and die because our child has
  cancer? We aren't "handling" it because we are “so strong”; we
  love our child and simply have no choice.”


• “I felt much more comfortable if people just dealt with it
  head on and acknowledged that something horrible had happened. I
  think it's the tongue-tied, awkward silence we hate.”